"I Don't Know How to Talk to Gay People"

Why the first step is to stop focusing on the differences.

Over the summer, a friend of mine took a job as a waiter in a local eatery in a major city. He kept in contact with me by email most of the summer, and in one of those emails he shared that he was being challenged—the reason being that the majority of the wait staff he worked with belonged to the GLBT community. Actually, six of the 10 wait staff considered themselves GLBT. Yet, my friend did not express the typical Christian response to his challenge. Instead, he talked about how he was able to develop relationships with his coworkers by first laying down disagreements and looking for elements of common ground. Amazingly, some of that common ground happened to be issues of faith and God. He quickly found himself in respectful conversations and building relationships of mutual trust. Not only did he learn the first principles of relationship, he also demonstrated a positive method of communication with people different than he.

Sooner or later, we all personally face the GLBT lifestyle in some vein—whether it is a relative, friend, coworker or in ourselves. Some within Christendom would assume because my friend has a more “free thinking” view of the GLBT lifestyle that the world has broken him down or that “the media has influenced him” over the years. But my friend is not a member of the GLBT community and is not an advocate of a gay lifestyle; rather, he is what I would consider a fairly conservative Christian. He has helped me see the necessity of opening my arms with a loving embrace toward people who may not have my same perspective on sexuality, especially those for whom the concern is not an abstraction but a matter that impacts their daily lives.

As Christians, we should aspire to welcome and create opportunities for dialogue with people who hold differing views on sexuality. Instead of talking so much about the people who consider themselves GLBT, we need to talk with them. 

If we end up with differing beliefs about this explosive issue, it should be after we have heard others speak and respectfully talked about our disagreements. German theologian Johan Howard Yoder said, “… the truth about a given matter often emerges slowly, as a gift, as we make ourselves vulnerable through ongoing conversation with one another.” 

Christians do not always present ourselves as a gift to our neighbors, especially those who differ from us in belief, lifestyle, denomination, etc. Too often I have seen well-meaning Christians, young and old, close the door on people who are different. They take opportunities to preach or teach against those who are different in safe environments like church services or small groups. Or in passing, they stare and tell inappropriate jokes about them behind their backs. Still some simply ignore “different” people as if they were less than human. Wasn’t it Jesus who took His relationships with people of different lifestyles so far as to visit the tax collector’s home, allowed the prostitute to touch His feet and shared parables where the despised of society ended up being the good guy (or should I say, Samaritan)?  

Over the past couple of months, I have found myself asking a multitude of questions regarding the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community and lifestyle. Whether the questions came from concerned parents, experimenting youth or activists on both sides of the issue, I have had to do a great deal of listening. My goal is not to present a biblical case for or against the GLBT lifestyle. Rather I want to share some real-life insights I have learned in discussing how to approach this sensitive topic:

Show humility. 

Showing humility is not compromise. In respectful conversation, we seek to express our commitment to certain “truths” with clarity. But we must be open to the possibility that our understanding needs fine-tuning. My friend’s eyes were opened to relationships that could meet under common issues of faith and God—that spiritual formation could continue in the midst of trying to understand a person’s gay lifestyle. We need to ask ourselves as Christians how we can be more aware of this conversation and the balance it takes to be effective.

Show patience. 

Patience is the hope that through ongoing respectful conversations, a greater understanding will gradually emerge as a gift. It is just like when we give a loved one a gift for Christmas. We have put thought into the gift because we know the person. We know their likes and dislikes. We have spent time with them—maybe over several years.
You and I cannot give a “special” gift to someone we just met. My friend found common ground and slowly, patiently, began making in-roads. It obviously will take time and patience, but how can we work with and give space for people struggling with their sexual identity?   

Show love.

Patience and humility need to be further complemented by love. Love is caring deeply for other persons, which must start by allowing them to express their views and their story. My friend still communicates on a regular basis with that wait staff from the summer. He prays for and even with some of them. He has broken down barriers and misconceptions and has been able to share his faith and differing beliefs with the GLBT community—and they are listening and dialoguing. Are we listening, allowing people different than us to share their views, wrestle with their questions and tell their stories?

It takes patience, but it’s worth it to think through the issues, engage the people around us and seek to find better ways to share the gift of Truth with our community—no matter their lifestyles, beliefs or backgrounds.  

[This article appeared on Relevant Magazine's webpage: Click Here]
 
Bob Henry is senior pastor of Silverton Friends Church, in Silverton, Ore., and loves spending a day off with his three boys and his wonderful wife. He also likes to wear caps and dark-rimmed glasses, get lost in a good book, drink bold coffee and make stops to take photos of beautiful scenery and odd roadside vistas. You can connect with Bob at spiritualinform.blogspot.com or vewfromthepew.blogspot.com or follow him on Twitter: @rshenry.

Building Relationships Takes Putting Down Signs

Springtime always reminds me of newness, hope, renewal and life. And that reminds me of an annual event my church participated in when I served in Michigan. We were strongly involved in the local Right-to-Life campaign – specifically the program known as the “Life Chain.”

Every spring our main event was to participate in a “silent protest” at a major intersection in our town. We would hold signs with phrases like “Abortion Kills Children”, “Thou Shalt Not Kill” and “Abortion Kills Two Lives” for nearly two hours on a Sunday afternoon.

It wasn’t until a man running through our silent protest with a coat hanger looked directly at me and yelled some obscenities that I realized that just maybe I was sending the wrong message. Looking at it from a worldly perspective, there is no difference between his coat hanger and my sign. What began eating away at me was that I noticed no one (including myself) even attempted to say a thing to this man (I guess they were taking the “silent” protest seriously). That is, until he left – then everyone around broke out with condemning remarks and name calling.

It was then that I realized that we Christians often do not know how we sound to the rest of the world – and that is when I put my sign down for good. Let me explain.

[Please understand: I am “pro-life” – actually I consider myself trying to live a Biblically consistent ethic of life – meaning all of life is sacred not just those issues dealing with abortion. I would also include issues of economic injustice, euthanasia, capital punishment, and unjust war to be a part of my understanding of being “pro-life.”]

As believers, you and I often like to get on our soap boxes, hand out tracts, hold up signs or place them in our yard, even preach from our pulpits about our “issues,” and often it is to the neglect of actually building relationships with those in our pews, our neighborhoods, and ultimately our world. I will be the first to admit that relationships are complicated, messy and difficult and utilizing these other methods much easier.

But be honest and ask yourself – who are your non-Christian friends? Or who do you consider a friend who has differing views than you do? The guy with the coat-hanger obviously wanted our attention as much as we wanted his. He was crying out for someone to hear him, all while we believed he should “hear” us – this was not relationship building or conversation, it honestly would get us nowhere but into a possible stand-off. The reality was it was possibly my sign that evoked this graphic response from this man.

Just as disturbing and anger-provoking as the message of the man with the coat hanger was to us, I believe we in the church simply do not know what our message often sounds like to the rest of the world. And some of that comes with arrogance. You and I have to admit it – we often could care less what others think. Most of the time we know we are right (and that may be true) - but to add insult to injury, we just will not listen.

If we listened for a minute, we might understand how “Abortion Kills Children” comes across as “We hate confused and stupid women who can only see abortion as the way out of their difficult life situation.” Something a sister in Christ told me she felt because she had been carrying the pain of an abortion with her for 20+ years. She went on to tell me that this misunderstood message stunted her faith development for those years – and remember she was a believer. We never know who may be sitting next to us even on Sunday morning. We must consider what people actually hear in our messages? Our signs? Our sermons?

And what if we don’t think that’s what we are saying? If that’s what others are hearing, what’s the difference? You and I can’t be concerned with whose fault it is – we can’t accept this communication breakdown. We must ask ourselves, “Should the burden be on our lips or their ears?” I guess it all depends on whether you and I want to have a conversation or we simply want to be right. I find Jesus engaging the conversation more often than looking to prove himself right (and if anyone could have proven Himself – Jesus could have.)

I am starting to believe we have a lot to work on in the way we communicate with each other – both inside and outside the church. In our day, Christianity has become a “bad word” with a dubious meaning, especially in American society. Just maybe that is because we don’t care how we sound to those who don’t agree with us. I found Dan Merchant’s question in his book “Lord, Save Us From Your Followers” to be a place to start:

“Are we trying to fit Jesus into what we’re doing as a people, as a country? Or are we trying to fit into what Jesus is doing?”

I think it is long time we put down the signs, the tracts, the “Christian bookstore paraphernalia” which spouts our beliefs for us and begin conversations with real people – that to me was and still is the Jesus Way. We may just find newness, renewal, hope and real LIFE in our Christian walk and be able to share it with those who really need to hear it.

By Dr. Robert S. Henry
Pastor, Silverton Friends Church

The Ride of Life

The Ride of Life by Bob Henry

There are days when life just doesn’t make sense.

God seems to be distant,

Friends seem to be absent, and

The walls seem to be closing in on all sides.

Failure is around every corner, and

People want you to know how they would’ve handled things.

You find yourself angry and not knowing why.

Your mind races with “what if’s” and “if only’s.”

The future depends on you,

But the present will kill you before you get there.

Conversations and dialogue have ceased to be productive.

Emotions and reactions are the key to survival.

Phones, emails, texts, all keep coming.

The weight of the world seems on your shoulders.

Meals are mere breaks in the day.

The mundane has become a distraction.

Deep breaths are replaced with anxious pants.

Sleepless nights have turned to unproductive days.

The morning is a continuation of the night.

When does one get off the ride of life?

Faith…hope..love...peace?

Where are they in the midst of the storm?

Why do we want to fight instead of surrender?

Can’t we just give up?

Then we look at our children and our spouse.

We look at our neighbors and the world.

We look at ourselves.

No...we can never give up!

Be near oh God.

Be present in the moment.

Be robust when we are pathetic.

Be YOU because we can’t.

_________________________

A reflective poem after Martin Luther King Jr. Day 2012 by Bob Henry

New Year's Resolutions!

January is often a time to resolve to do things differently, to do better; it's a clean slate, a fresh start, a time to reinvent oneself (just ask the gyms and the weight loss industry).

This month, you and I will vow to exercise more, eat less, abstain from our vices and become the people we hope and want to be. Yet by early February, our good intentions will have been tested and, too often, found lacking (just ask the gyms and the weight loss industry). But those failures--both major and minor--rarely stop us from striving to be better year after year.

This is a good thing. When we fail to grow as humans and Christians, we fail to realize our full potential.

Most of us feel that we can't afford to overhaul our whole life to meet our goals. We have jobs, we have kids, and we have friends who would think we have lost our minds. But you know what? If the goals you and I set are not worth overhauling our lives for, then we must ask ourselves why not?

While processing my own personal goals for 2012, I began to wonder: Can the church have New Year's resolutions? Has the church failed to grow and realize its full potential? What might need overhauled in the life of the church in 2012? Perhaps these goals would not be as simple to tack to one's refrigerator as our personal resolutions, but we as members of the Body of Christ could certainly aim for some goals in the coming year that would help us realize our potential as the church. Here are some suggestions for 2012.

In 2012, I hope to see Silverton Friends Church vow to…

• faithfully proclaim the gospel through word and deed. Words alone are not sufficient; how the gospel is embodied in our community, worship, and the example of our lives is as important as what we say.

• seek to put the good of our neighbors over our own, and have a heart for being involved in the local community - especially with the poor, oppressed and marginalized.

• practice hospitality by welcoming the stranger into the midst of our gatherings without pretense, urge to gossip, or critique.

• see ourselves as representatives of Jesus and doing nothing to blatantly dishonor His name.

• be desperately dependent on prayer and reclaim it as a part of our daily life.

• provide meaningful opportunities for spiritual formation instead of cluttering people’s lives with sheer programmatic busyness.

• feed deeply on the Scriptures throughout the week - not being content with knowing the Bible at a surface level, but desiring to have a deep understanding of the whole of Scripture.

• help people discover and develop their spiritual gifts and rely on gifted people for ministry instead of merely talented people.

• become a healing community where people carry each other’s burdens and help restore them gently.

I believe if we, as the church, take seriously these resolutions, we will begin seeing a fuller representation of our potential as the Body of Christ. And just maybe, our own personal lives will be transformed amidst our failures and unreached goals. May God bestow His grace upon us in 2012.

Did you see Him?

This is the message from our Family Christmas Celebration on Christmas Eve:

Read John 1:1-18 (from The Message)

Did you see him? Did you see Jesus? Or maybe I should ask – “Do you see him?”

Some of you tonight may be asking “Where is Jesus? Does he really care about me? How could Jesus possibly know what I have to suffer in this world?”

These may be questions that you have asked, especially in moments of pain, confusion, or frustration. I know I have. I truly believe the answer to these questions is, “God does really care, God is closer than your own heart and God does indeed understand your suffering.”

Often we are too quick to look at the divine attributes of God and totally miss the human attributes. Miracles, being all-powerful, all-knowing….is kind of hard to grasp in our humanness! Isn’t it?

God knew that...thus he decided to humble himself and become one of us.

Back in 1850 John Millais (1829-1896) painted a picture of Jesus working in Joseph’s carpentry workshop, entitled Christ in the House of His Parents.

My son Alex could probably relate to this picture. Because in the painting Jesus had given himself a bad gash in his finger and blood streamed down onto his feet. Mary was there comforting him.

Although only an imaginary incident, it portrays very well that Jesus was human, and understands our pain.

It depicts very well what John means in the text I read, ‘The Word became flesh and moved into the neighborhood.’

Why? Because God does care. God had absolutely no need to become one of us but did so to convince us how much we mean to him.

Think about how much you and I mean to God!

We mean so much to God that God became a human, just to convince us, and if that isn’t enough to convince us, Jesus actually dies for us.

What more can God do to convince us he cares about us? That is huge!

That text I read at the beginning was John chapter 1 from The Message – you may have heard more like this.

In the beginning was the Word, the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

That Word is Jesus. It is truly amazing, almost unbelievable, that this Word, Jesus, who existed since the beginning and is God, would become flesh.

The Word was made flesh, he lived among us, and we saw his glory...

We wouldn’t expect God to mix with us by becoming flesh. But the Word became flesh, God became one of us to convince us that God does care about us.

Because the Word became flesh Jesus was like us in every way except sin.· He even had the same emotions that we do.

• He loved other people, Martha, Mary and Lazarus, his disciple John (who wrote this very text) and the rich young man.
  
• He cried when he hurt a lot; when his friend Lazarus died and before entering Jerusalem when he knew that the city would not accept him as the Messiah.
• He enjoyed social occasions. In Luke’s Gospel in particular we read of Jesus attending many dinners, so much so that a rhyme was made up about him, ‘a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax-collectors and sinners.’ Or as we may rhyme today “a consumer, a drunk, a friend of politicians and anyone else we can’t stand to be around.”
• Jesus felt pity and compassion for people when he saw them suffering, so when they were hungry he multiplied the loaves and fish.
• He got angry when people used the Temple for the wrong purpose.
• He needed companionship, so he took Peter, James and John aside with him on many occasions and we even know that John was his very close friend.
• At the end of a hard day Jesus fell asleep in the boat, he was tired or exhausted like all of us.
• He felt fear before his passion, ‘Father let his cup pass me by’ he said and in John 12:27 he says, ‘now my soul is troubled’. Imagine Jesus saying, ‘now my soul is troubled’.
• When John says the Word became flesh, he really means it. After all, he had seen Jesus and had been his very close friend.

As he said in the text,

The Word was made flesh, he lived among us, and we saw his glory...

The Word became flesh and lived among us (moved into our neighborhood), and was like us in every way except sin, to convince us that God does care about us.

The Word dwelt among us.

The Word, Jesus, didn’t just become flesh and live a quiet life.

He became flesh and dwelt among us. He was a man of the people. That’s why they said of him, ‘a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax-collectors and sinners’.

• When curing the lepers he touched them. Lepers were not supposed to come near towns and according to Jewish Law Jesus would be impure after touching a leper and could not enter the Temple or synagogue until after washing. But Jesus was a man of the people, he dwelt among them, and so Law or no Law (RADICAL), when a leper wanted healing he touched him.
• Because Jesus was a man of the people he concentrated much of his ministry among those who really needed him, the sinners. People no different than me and you. They knew they were welcome in his company, he was known as a friend of sinners.

This Word, Jesus, became flesh, and dwelt among us, and made the Father known to us as the last line of the text reads,

No one has ever seen God, it is the only Son, who is nearest to the Father’s heart, who has made him known.

• John is saying the reason the Word became flesh was that we might get to know the Father.
• Jesus is the Father’s Word to us. Jesus is the revelation of God the Father.
• How do we get to know the Father? By getting to know Jesus.
• Jesus, the Word made flesh, is the way to the Father. If we want to know the God of the Universe, let us get to know Jesus.

How do we get to know Jesus?

The same way as we get to know anybody. By spending time together. We spend time with Jesus when we pray to him and when we read the Gospels. (Thus the challenge!) So let us get to know Jesus who became flesh, through prayer and reading the Gospels, so that we might get to know the Father.

Folks, we cannot say anymore it is too difficult to get to know God. He has revealed himself to us in his Son Jesus to show us that he really does care about us.

The Word was made flesh, he lived among us... No one has ever seen God, it is the only Son, who is nearest to the Father’s heart, who has made him known.

Sarah Markley puts all this in context with the words of her poem:

We are leavers. Serial leavers.

We leave jobs and churches.

We leave homes and neighborhoods.

Sometimes we leave children and spouses.

We are blessed with the means to leave most of the time.

With cars that start or bank accounts that allow employment switches.

We are fortunate to have running shoes to lace up to run out the door when an argument gets too thick to work through.

We leave friends behind.

We leave homeless people on the side of the road.

We leave someone alone when we know they need human comfort.

We leave when things feel uncomfortable or when we see the promise of something better somewhere else.

When it gets too deep or too painful, we skip out.

Most of all we leave to protect our hearts.

It isn’t necessarily right but it’s true.

Christ did not leave us. Instead He came.

His body would be bruised and broken for us, but He came.

His heart would be shredded by the heartache in the world and instead of preserving himself, He preserved us.

His life would be stolen, but even so He arrived.

He arrived. And did not leave.

Even when He “left” He didn’t.

He would always be with us, He promised.

He would give us Someone else to care for us.

He did not leave as we are prone to do.

And even as His own humanity was prone to do.

Jesus arrived because of His supreme love for each one of us.

God WITH us. He is here. He is still here.

Folks, do you see him?